The Apartment, in 25 minutes

The food is about forty percent of the evening. The apartment is most of the rest, and it takes twenty-five minutes if you do it in the right order. Here is the order. Start at T-45, which is 6:45 on a 7:30 night, and work it like a checklist, because that is what it is.

The rule behind every item: she should feel expected. Not impressed. Expected. Everything below is something she will notice without trying to, and every one of them says you thought about her before she got there.

T-45: the bathroom first

She will use it. Nobody told me this either. It is the only room where she is alone with your housekeeping, so it comes first, while you still have energy.

• One clean towel, folded, hanging where a guest would find it. Not the one you used this morning.
• Hand soap by the sink. A cracked grey bar does not count.
• Toilet paper on the roll, and a spare where she can see it.
• Sink and mirror wiped. Beard trimmings, toothpaste, the small hairs: gone. This is the item men skip and women mention.
• Shower curtain closed. Toilet lid down. Bathroom bin emptied.

T-35: doors and surfaces

• Bedroom door closed. Whatever is in there is not part of the evening and should not be visible from the hall.
• Kitchen sink empty. A sink full of pans says you are not done. An empty sink says you were never busy.
• Counters wiped. Not because she will check. Because you will relax.
• Trash out, especially the kitchen bin. Onion skins at 6:00 are a smell at 7:30.
• One clear chair or hook by the door for her coat. If you do not know where it goes, she will know you do not know.

T-25: the table

• Table cleared of mail, laptop and chargers. Two places set: plate, fork, knife, glass, napkin. Cloth if you own any; paper folded once if you do not.
• One candle on the table, not lit yet.
• Water glasses filled. Nobody should have to ask.

T-20: air, light, temperature

• Light the candle now. Twenty minutes gives the room the smell and loses the freshly lit look.
• If the kitchen is smoky, window open for five minutes, then closed. Cooking smell is good. Smoke smell is not.
• Thermostat one degree warmer than you keep it alone. You have been moving for two hours; she is walking in from outside.
• Overhead light off. One lamp on in the living room, one near the table if you have it. A ceiling light makes every apartment look like a waiting room.

T-10: you

• Shower if you have not. Clean shirt, the one that does not smell like garlic.
• Music on, at a volume you can talk over.
• Phone on silent, face down, not on the table.

T-5: the last look

• Apron off and out of sight.
• Hands washed. Cold water for a minute if you are warm.
• Stand at the front door and look in. That is her view. Fix the one thing you see.
• Sit down. You are not allowed to be busy when she arrives.